Dear Oven...

The OVEN
Next to the Fridge
Below the Hobs
KITCHEN
146




Dear Oven,

Firstly nice job on last weeks yorkshire pudding marathon. I am so pleased you kept at roughly between 220oC and 180oC but I won't judge. We probably shouldn't have put you through that roast as well on the same day. Asking you to keep going for 5 hours was surely a bit to much for someone of your age.

But today I come to you with a plea,and that is I need to cook a chicken, so could you kindly please stay roughly around 180 for about 2 hours just to cook a chicken. I know its a lot to ask and your a bit of a free spirit when it comes to heat. But please try your best.
I know the brand new washing machines been getting a lot more attention than you lately, and you were thoroughly abused last night having Dominos boxes rammed inside you just to keep them warm. but please all I'm asking for is a nice juicy chicken thats cooked all the way through. I know if we work as a team we can do this. I promise if this turns out ok I may clean you.

Many Thanks


Jimmy D

Modern Women And Cavemen

Meeting girls was once very simple, but if you delve into it nowadays its tricky! I'm sure its not just me, to try and gain some empathy heres a few scenarios that takes you right from the start to the end of my troubles.

Your at the bar/party, strangely a girl starts to talk to you DEAR LORD WHAT DO YOU DO! first impressions count but at this point your a bit busy panicking and blushing to really engage in conversation or even attempt humour. So you panic more. I tend to find in this case hiding behind your pint is always a good start, your safer there. To settle your nerves you near on down your drink which firstly results in you hiding behind see-through glass and secondly no cold pint to reduce the blushing. This plan does have its floors, if the drink your hiding behind is a zombie with 8 shots of rum, don't gulp it down! The face you pull while it burns down your neck is an instant give away especially if your sobre
So your now settled, you've got a few jokes in, and I've gone the whole night with out asking if she has updated her Blackberry to the new OS BB6. Apart from mentioning the weather twice by mistake your doing ok, she might actually think your normal. Then some bright arse suggests clubbing begrudgingly you nod acceptingly, and trundle to the club You'r conversation technique is now null and void, no one can hear anything! and your being judged on your dancing! DANCING! as you try and muster the last saving words by hollering loudly in each others ear, she starts to shake her hips, she is actually a very good dancer, you'r in fact your terrible. as you bounce hopelessly with the music, while getting hotter and hotter you pray for an end to this madness, you'r now hot sweaty, bobbing up and down, and you think you might have forgotten her name,

Scenario 2
So you've met and things are going well, you arrange to go on a date and have dinner. I once read a very good tip that works, eat before you go out for dinner, that way its not about the food its about her (and you don't mind giving her the last dough ball! I was told Orange Wednesday at Pizza express isn't classed as a proper date I'll never understand why). From my experience heres some hints and tips to get you through

1) She really dosen't care about the new IPAD, its not a starting point of conversation!
2) Pinot Grigo is always a safe wine to go for, (Shiraz if Red)
3) Your not on your own at home, or on Master Chef, cut things up smaller than normal, for some strange reason it looks more dignified.
4) If its a buffet, forget the prawn crackers, they pile up your plate to much and it could be used for more valuable things, like shredded chilly beef.
4.1) resist all temptation for the buffet pig out, its not happening tonight. Small portions.

Anywho things are going very well and one evening she comes back to yours, DEAR LORD! Maniacally you try to remember what state the house is in and you pray you haven't left your a)dirty underwear in the bathroom b) washing up around the house c) bed unmade. From my experience, also try and remember if you actually have any clean wineglasses/ mugs available. After all this making out your a bright young respectable man, and opening a good wine (by good wine I mean it cost £12.. that was then on 1/2 price.. that was then on 3 for £10 in Tesco) having to turn to her and say, do you mind a plastic cup left over from last weeks party brings your credibility down a tiny bit.

The Boris Bike

As the Weather has been bliss and I'm trying to slim a few pounds I decided today that it might be more fun to travel by Boris Bike. I jumped on one and went wizzing down the side road onto the main road, it felt quite safe in the cycle lane untill it came to an end... suddenly I was faced by a 6 road junction, talk about jumping in at the deep end!
The half peeled off picture on the front of the bike said I should get to the front of the traffic and stay in the middle .. Sod that I thought, I quickly felt like I was a learner driver again, apart from this time I had a get out clause! so I got off and walked it across the junctions like a normal person.

Once I reached a good point I jumped back on and it wasn't long before I was cycling across London bridge. It actually was quite fun till I noticed I was indeed holding up the entier lane of traffic on the bridge, first of which was a coach load of 52 school girls, stupidly I made the mistake of pulling over to let them pass. It was at that point I wished the bridge would open up and eat me, as it passed every girl stared down mockingly for holding up their school trip! When the Bridge ended I quickly realised I hadn't actually learnt how to turn right off a road. The pictures I had were rubbish so after 4 miles of cycling in a strait line without hope, I shut my eyes and went for it, I pulled out, signalled right and put my foot down, it felt like quiet an achievement. To others maybe it could be seen as a wimpish maneuver. But I was proud of myself.

So a few questions

Would I do it again; YES
Would I wear a helmet; Defiantly
Should you read the Highway code for cyclists: Absolutely
Would I take the time to read the Highway code for cyclists; definitely

The strict shouty lady

While having my hangover curing breakfast outside City Hall on a very bright Monday morning, I quickly noticed all us Brits had stripped down to our cotton shirts and dresses as it had reached about 14 degrees. One cyclist even cycled into a water feature while drooling at a tall brunette lady with a tiny summer dress which was hanging onto her shoulders for dear life. Hilarious!

Anywho

I've always seen Boris to be a man of power and control.

That was until I saw him at Mayors question time, sure he did well to answer a lot of the questions in an authoritative and some times humours way. But it was only during one of Boris's ramblings a sharp bark came from a women at the head of the assembly dressed in a tight tweed suit with poised lips. "WILL YOU GET TO THE POINT MR MAYOR, QUICKLY!" For a man thats in charge of running London, he sank in his seat like a guilty child. I think the entier chamber were generally afraid of her as she chaired the meeting. Then my heart stopped as I realised my phone getting a text in my bag was affecting the hundreds of speakers built into the seats around us causing feed back, knowing that if I didn't get it off sharpish she might come after me! I'd gone from cool and calm to a mess all because of a silly text! After Boris exclaimed he was Pro Soup the meeting quickly ended and I went off for lunch in the park with a friend.

Thank god for the nice weather!
Perfic

5p a bag

If anyone has missed the news in the past week, We've just launched a huge international strike on Col Gaddafi and whats left of his army. As last week it all went pair shaped in Libya when Gaddafi's men fired on some innocent civilians protesting for democracy.
From there Libya's population (now to be known as rebels) all grabbed hold of any stray AK47 assault rifles lying around and it all turned a bit personal. Strangely some of the rebels even had high caliber machine guns mounted on the back of their cars! Personally I've never seen that as an out of Garage extra from Toyota but they seem to be rather handy. Naturally theres oil in Libya, so our Armed forces have been sent in ASAP. Maybe Mr C had a bad day but so far we have sent 2 Navel vessels, 2 submarines and 36 Aircraft (joining the rest of the US and UN forces) to teach Gaddafi a lesson on Western Ideology and democracy.
Now it seems like a bit of a weak link but I went paint balling last year, and I seem to remember not being able to afford a huge amount of paintballs as the budget was looking a bit shabby and had to cut back for things like beer and provisions. So my point is

it seems a bit strange that the government is closing libraries across the nation, and making huge cuts only to be told that we are firing 120 Tomahawk Missiles at £200,000 a pop, not including fuel for the 36 planes and the rest of it. so really in a matter of hours we just fired 50 libraries into the air at a plastic bag in a tent and some anti-aircraft/ command centres. A BLOODY TENT!
I know the papers have been a bit more interesting with world leaders playing a huge game of command and conquer with multimillion pound weapon systems lately but really can we afford to be in this battle? At the moment Sainsburys has oil at 1/2 price for virgin olive oil in a nice bottle! do we really need to go to war for it?

Maybe we could of left this attack to Sarkozy and his high heels?

Tired and Banking

After handing in my last ever History Paper (1200 words of self directed drivel), I visited Sainsburys. A foolish mistake shopping sleep deprived, hungry and exhausted. After sobering up off the caffeine this morning I realised that fish fingers, cordial, coffee, hand soap and three different types of pasta really was pathetic and maybe my cave man state of mind was merely another victim to consumer psychology and sales. The fact I left my card in the chip in pin machine I won't put

down to exhaustion just stupidity.

However thank you very much to the very nice human being who phoned the bank to declare my bank card lost yesterday, either your a genuinely nice fella . Or your just a fraudster who viewed my balance and decided it wasn't worth the effort.

Being cardless I was forced to que in the bank for cash, sadly after consuming most the cordial the call of nature came just 5 minutes into the queue subjecting me to a Full Monty dance. After 15 minutes of queuing I was now performing the River Dance.
When it was my turn I was asked to provide the cashier with my driving licence for ID. I though for Natwest this transaction was going rather smoothly, I signed the sheet in a sorted makeshift squiggle after the pen was indeed taller than the cord it was attached to and waited for my cash. Suddenly in one fowl swoop she placed the money back in the till and in a sympathetic voice declared "for security reasons I can't go any further with the transactions as your signature doesn't match your I.D".
Fairpoint I thought .... but just a moment I suggested. Surely I'm a very similar match the photograph of me on the right hand side of my driving Licence, I ruffled my hair and smiled just to match the 16 year old me on the card. At this point she seemed a little confused and went away to her line manager. I'm praying the question she asked wasn't "this guy looks the same as his i.d, can we trust him?" I like to think I don't look that shifty! never the less common sense prevailed and I walked away with my cash.

Anywho I must dash theres a stranger scavenging in our front garden! I just poped my head out the door to see what he was doing, and he though there was a scrap metal pipe next to our window. Sadly I had to tell him that was indeed the gutter attached to the house. However next time he fancies trespassing try the back garden theres plenty of crap out there we need shifting!