Running twice in a day

So the Runnings been going well,

I've found Running in public is a great incentive to do well, for a few reasons.

1)The moment you overtake someone on the pavement you've committed to sprinting the next 500 mtrs. Only sheer embarrassment comes from sprinting past a yummy mummy with a pram, only to be over taken by her 200 mtrs down the road while you grip onto a lamp post for support, red faced and dying.

2) Generally if your in Lewisham, practicing running is always a good thing. After watching Crime Watch on tv where they "busted" a house down the road from me, it looks like the criminals round here are fairly fast. I would prefer to be the faster runner.

3) The lovely technology in my shoe tells all my Facebook friends just how long its taken me to slog out a few miles. Even when your headphones get caught on the front gate and it took 5 minutes to run 2 metres. I did use a train to average this time back up, so did 3 Kilometers in a few minutes: Nike+ has my weight on their system, so told me not to be silly and didn't include it.

Not long till I can fit into the Special K swimsuit!
James x

Marking my Life!

Apologise for the lack of recent blogging, but Googling and my degree exhausted any free time I had.

After 15 solid years of education at 12:45 on the 12th of May. Dr Rand said the magical words "pens down and stop writing" so I did. From that moment I seem to have stumbled into an empty void of nothingness. Sadly due to financial restraints spending every living moment living it up in the free life isn't possible so I've had to find Jobs that offer the same satisfactory level upon completion that I got from my coursework so I could eagerly await my marks...

Cutting the Front garden lawn - 50% (2:2)

Markers comments- All round a good effort, marks deducted for almost cutting the ADSL line and missing a corner.

Weekly Shop- 60% (2:1)-

Markers comments Missed some important points at the start such as fruit and veg, but good in depth conversation with a young lady regarding passata water content. Good spot of the 75% off Viagra and Brasso Gadget cleaner (I only purchased the gadget cleaner).

Getting correspondence and organisation sorted from previous weeks- 34% (fail)

Markers comments - Watching 14 hours of half naked women ponse around Ancient Greece, while Gladiators slaughter each other in "Spartacus Blood and Soil" can in no way be construed as constructive. Retake next week!

So as you can see its going well, I've given myself 85% (1st) for Dieting and weightloss, I've not really done a huge amount of exercise and the diets been rubbish, but I've just made up a great self reflective essay reflection on examples where I should of swapped chips for salad etc, so on reflection a clear 1st!

James Bond- Gone wrong

It all started while I was sat doing some work in Pret. Suddenly a young teen waved a baguette at me and asked "how much" I shrugged (but did fancy the baguette) and discovered someone pushing a map at me asking for directions, I pointed him on his way and off they went.

Now I've watched the Hustle on the BBC lots of times, so it didn't take me 2 seconds to realised they just nabbed my phone! damn then! I threw my kit in my bag and gave chase! Sadly I'm not a sprinter AT ALL! and I'd just ate quiet a large amount of cake so would inevitably be ill if I did give chase for more than a 50 metres or so! Also flip flops, a summery shirt and lose shorts that constantly fell down didn't help! From the brief chase I gave I do want to know how James Bond goes running down the street magically no one gets in the way. I got stuck behind two OAPS and prams!

I gave up, and returned to the cafe for cake to heal my wounds, What would of I had done if I did catch up with them anyway? Throw them to the ground and stamp on their neck till they gave the phone up! I Think not! neither could I think of anything dignified or acceptable to shout at them while children were around anyway.

Being British I didn't have time for a stern letter, So I started up the tracking software that I had on the iphone linked to my mac, Thinking it would be lovely and easy this impressive Apple software I was relying on had one small floor ... If they turn the phone off or go underground its crap! (again Bond never has trouble with this either) so I gave up that plan as well.
I marched as best I could in summer attire to the police station to report the crime where the PC sat behind the desk pointed to a phone in the corner. Seriously?
Press 1 If your being mugged, press 2 if you'r being assaulted press 3 for all drug related issues and muppets with unimportant issues press 4

Hovering my fingering 4 I was surprised to get through to a man, who after the first few questions was expecting me to solve the crime myself ... "Do you know the name and address of the men who stole your phone?" he questioned.

Seeming rather shocked I answered no to both, he continued with more pressing questions.

Still at 9 O clock the next day a man dress like a black power ranger turned up with a new shiny one for me! It was then it dawned on me the most costly thing they stole was the bloody case! Still at least they clearly had taste! It was TedBaker!

The Future

It started trying to pick out some clothes as a present for 18 month year old twins. I realised that I actually knew very little about children. Realising it was impossible to measure children by miming big fish little fish, cardboard box to guess the size of the child. and being told off for describing some of the 18-36 month clothing as "slutty". I felt leaving the pursuit of the two outfits and looking at other things with 2 to 3 year old labels on ... such as in the wine Isle.

Then I felt a change. Actually shopping for a child would make me appreciate needs and practicality. By "needs" I don't just mean should I buy some fruit this week or blow my budget on Jammy dodgers! I think I actually want to be good at this paternal business. Only the other day I was discussing the impracticality of owning the new Ferrari FF Italia as it only has tiny rear seats, with the average owner keeping their car for 3-5 years I'd be 26 and hopefully starting a family, It just wouldn't be practical putting a baby in the boot.
(ok we were talking about the Ford Fiesta) but still you see my point! I've got to start planning for the future!

I've felt myself adopting a new perspectives to money and lifestyle, ways of thinking my parents have been explaining to me since a child, and to be quiet frank I've scared myself! I truly have! Only today in Sainsburys I picked up an x Box 360 and then told myself (stupidly out loud while on my own) "put it down, You don't need it! you need to buy fruit and avoid the cake isle! For some one who's just had his student loan. I think thats a very scary (but wise) thing to happen. I never though I'd be repeating my parents but still it actually made sense.

I might have strayed down the cake isle just a little bit, I'm not pretending I'm perfect just yet!

and I forgot the bloody potatoes AGAIN!!!

Special K diet

I know its been quiet on here lately, the reason for this lately is the sunshine. What a beautiful start to the month. Really I love the sunshine it makes everything look that much nicer! Even Lewisham has got a fresh look, even if chickens, lambs and goats heads hanging from the butcher ceiling are now starting to smell a bit in the heat.

The strange thing I find about the Summer is how all the fruit and veg now look so exciting and fresh as aposed to the winter. Maybe its because I know at some point in the next few weeks I'll have to get my top off in a swimming pool or at the beach. So scoffing down a packet of Digestives won't help me fit in that all important little red swimming bikini you see on the Kellogs Special K advert.

On that note; I tried the The Kellogs special K diet where you supposedly lose a jean size in 2 weeks. I never knew it was indeed possible to brand and commercialise starvation and hell! 30g of cardboard flavoured rubbish twice a day for two weeks, there is no chance in hell I'd end up happily prancing across a swimming pool in a little red swim suit at the end of the two weeks! Chances are I'd either be trying to suck the plancton out the water for a quick snack, or admit failure and eat the nearest cafe out of business! I'm sorry but all I lost in the whole 7 days I tried it was 5 pound which was spent on the most wonderful Weatherspoons breakfast after admitting defeat.

Just because no ones watching

Finally the builders have gone! and I'm really not sorry to see them go. Of course I mean this as no stain on their characters as they were both very nice people. But dear lord, getting out of bed in the morning and instantly being in the presences of strangers is very hard to get used to.

We all do things in the privacy of our own homes, that can only be justified simply by the fact no ones watching. Like licking ketchup off your own body as its dripped out your bacon Sandwich, while you bum around in ill fitting clothes unwashed, watching some rubbish morning TV with your only interest being if it was him that got her pregnant or not. However all this has come to an end for the past few weeks just because of the builders. I've always felt like i've had to have been washed, looking like I'm doing something slightly productive, and the amount of ketchup thats been wasted is unforgivable!

Whats more is the small talk! I'm normally very good at small talk working in a shop and all. However after a few weeks it started to wear a bit thin, It came a habit in the last few days to check the weather on Google just before I headed downstairs so I could hold up my end of the conversation, as inevitably there was going to be the subject of the Weather or Libya brought up after the morning pleasantries. Other conversation were a bit easier to play the nodding dog to and at 0830AM I'd generally agree with him to just about anything. Some things I seem to remember talking about were

1)The prices of new Bricks v The prices of old Bricks
2)The compatibility of SLR and DSLR Nikon Lenses post 1990.
3) His knee
4) His knee getting worse
5) His Knee stopping him from working
6) His Knee causing pain
7) Afganistan
8) The Weather in Afganistan

So yes, like I said although they were both nice people, I can return to dipping prawn crackers in curry and making Tea in my boxers and I can do all this because once again "No ones watching!"

Dear Oven...

The OVEN
Next to the Fridge
Below the Hobs
KITCHEN
146




Dear Oven,

Firstly nice job on last weeks yorkshire pudding marathon. I am so pleased you kept at roughly between 220oC and 180oC but I won't judge. We probably shouldn't have put you through that roast as well on the same day. Asking you to keep going for 5 hours was surely a bit to much for someone of your age.

But today I come to you with a plea,and that is I need to cook a chicken, so could you kindly please stay roughly around 180 for about 2 hours just to cook a chicken. I know its a lot to ask and your a bit of a free spirit when it comes to heat. But please try your best.
I know the brand new washing machines been getting a lot more attention than you lately, and you were thoroughly abused last night having Dominos boxes rammed inside you just to keep them warm. but please all I'm asking for is a nice juicy chicken thats cooked all the way through. I know if we work as a team we can do this. I promise if this turns out ok I may clean you.

Many Thanks


Jimmy D

Modern Women And Cavemen

Meeting girls was once very simple, but if you delve into it nowadays its tricky! I'm sure its not just me, to try and gain some empathy heres a few scenarios that takes you right from the start to the end of my troubles.

Your at the bar/party, strangely a girl starts to talk to you DEAR LORD WHAT DO YOU DO! first impressions count but at this point your a bit busy panicking and blushing to really engage in conversation or even attempt humour. So you panic more. I tend to find in this case hiding behind your pint is always a good start, your safer there. To settle your nerves you near on down your drink which firstly results in you hiding behind see-through glass and secondly no cold pint to reduce the blushing. This plan does have its floors, if the drink your hiding behind is a zombie with 8 shots of rum, don't gulp it down! The face you pull while it burns down your neck is an instant give away especially if your sobre
So your now settled, you've got a few jokes in, and I've gone the whole night with out asking if she has updated her Blackberry to the new OS BB6. Apart from mentioning the weather twice by mistake your doing ok, she might actually think your normal. Then some bright arse suggests clubbing begrudgingly you nod acceptingly, and trundle to the club You'r conversation technique is now null and void, no one can hear anything! and your being judged on your dancing! DANCING! as you try and muster the last saving words by hollering loudly in each others ear, she starts to shake her hips, she is actually a very good dancer, you'r in fact your terrible. as you bounce hopelessly with the music, while getting hotter and hotter you pray for an end to this madness, you'r now hot sweaty, bobbing up and down, and you think you might have forgotten her name,

Scenario 2
So you've met and things are going well, you arrange to go on a date and have dinner. I once read a very good tip that works, eat before you go out for dinner, that way its not about the food its about her (and you don't mind giving her the last dough ball! I was told Orange Wednesday at Pizza express isn't classed as a proper date I'll never understand why). From my experience heres some hints and tips to get you through

1) She really dosen't care about the new IPAD, its not a starting point of conversation!
2) Pinot Grigo is always a safe wine to go for, (Shiraz if Red)
3) Your not on your own at home, or on Master Chef, cut things up smaller than normal, for some strange reason it looks more dignified.
4) If its a buffet, forget the prawn crackers, they pile up your plate to much and it could be used for more valuable things, like shredded chilly beef.
4.1) resist all temptation for the buffet pig out, its not happening tonight. Small portions.

Anywho things are going very well and one evening she comes back to yours, DEAR LORD! Maniacally you try to remember what state the house is in and you pray you haven't left your a)dirty underwear in the bathroom b) washing up around the house c) bed unmade. From my experience, also try and remember if you actually have any clean wineglasses/ mugs available. After all this making out your a bright young respectable man, and opening a good wine (by good wine I mean it cost £12.. that was then on 1/2 price.. that was then on 3 for £10 in Tesco) having to turn to her and say, do you mind a plastic cup left over from last weeks party brings your credibility down a tiny bit.

The Boris Bike

As the Weather has been bliss and I'm trying to slim a few pounds I decided today that it might be more fun to travel by Boris Bike. I jumped on one and went wizzing down the side road onto the main road, it felt quite safe in the cycle lane untill it came to an end... suddenly I was faced by a 6 road junction, talk about jumping in at the deep end!
The half peeled off picture on the front of the bike said I should get to the front of the traffic and stay in the middle .. Sod that I thought, I quickly felt like I was a learner driver again, apart from this time I had a get out clause! so I got off and walked it across the junctions like a normal person.

Once I reached a good point I jumped back on and it wasn't long before I was cycling across London bridge. It actually was quite fun till I noticed I was indeed holding up the entier lane of traffic on the bridge, first of which was a coach load of 52 school girls, stupidly I made the mistake of pulling over to let them pass. It was at that point I wished the bridge would open up and eat me, as it passed every girl stared down mockingly for holding up their school trip! When the Bridge ended I quickly realised I hadn't actually learnt how to turn right off a road. The pictures I had were rubbish so after 4 miles of cycling in a strait line without hope, I shut my eyes and went for it, I pulled out, signalled right and put my foot down, it felt like quiet an achievement. To others maybe it could be seen as a wimpish maneuver. But I was proud of myself.

So a few questions

Would I do it again; YES
Would I wear a helmet; Defiantly
Should you read the Highway code for cyclists: Absolutely
Would I take the time to read the Highway code for cyclists; definitely

The strict shouty lady

While having my hangover curing breakfast outside City Hall on a very bright Monday morning, I quickly noticed all us Brits had stripped down to our cotton shirts and dresses as it had reached about 14 degrees. One cyclist even cycled into a water feature while drooling at a tall brunette lady with a tiny summer dress which was hanging onto her shoulders for dear life. Hilarious!

Anywho

I've always seen Boris to be a man of power and control.

That was until I saw him at Mayors question time, sure he did well to answer a lot of the questions in an authoritative and some times humours way. But it was only during one of Boris's ramblings a sharp bark came from a women at the head of the assembly dressed in a tight tweed suit with poised lips. "WILL YOU GET TO THE POINT MR MAYOR, QUICKLY!" For a man thats in charge of running London, he sank in his seat like a guilty child. I think the entier chamber were generally afraid of her as she chaired the meeting. Then my heart stopped as I realised my phone getting a text in my bag was affecting the hundreds of speakers built into the seats around us causing feed back, knowing that if I didn't get it off sharpish she might come after me! I'd gone from cool and calm to a mess all because of a silly text! After Boris exclaimed he was Pro Soup the meeting quickly ended and I went off for lunch in the park with a friend.

Thank god for the nice weather!
Perfic

5p a bag

If anyone has missed the news in the past week, We've just launched a huge international strike on Col Gaddafi and whats left of his army. As last week it all went pair shaped in Libya when Gaddafi's men fired on some innocent civilians protesting for democracy.
From there Libya's population (now to be known as rebels) all grabbed hold of any stray AK47 assault rifles lying around and it all turned a bit personal. Strangely some of the rebels even had high caliber machine guns mounted on the back of their cars! Personally I've never seen that as an out of Garage extra from Toyota but they seem to be rather handy. Naturally theres oil in Libya, so our Armed forces have been sent in ASAP. Maybe Mr C had a bad day but so far we have sent 2 Navel vessels, 2 submarines and 36 Aircraft (joining the rest of the US and UN forces) to teach Gaddafi a lesson on Western Ideology and democracy.
Now it seems like a bit of a weak link but I went paint balling last year, and I seem to remember not being able to afford a huge amount of paintballs as the budget was looking a bit shabby and had to cut back for things like beer and provisions. So my point is

it seems a bit strange that the government is closing libraries across the nation, and making huge cuts only to be told that we are firing 120 Tomahawk Missiles at £200,000 a pop, not including fuel for the 36 planes and the rest of it. so really in a matter of hours we just fired 50 libraries into the air at a plastic bag in a tent and some anti-aircraft/ command centres. A BLOODY TENT!
I know the papers have been a bit more interesting with world leaders playing a huge game of command and conquer with multimillion pound weapon systems lately but really can we afford to be in this battle? At the moment Sainsburys has oil at 1/2 price for virgin olive oil in a nice bottle! do we really need to go to war for it?

Maybe we could of left this attack to Sarkozy and his high heels?

Tired and Banking

After handing in my last ever History Paper (1200 words of self directed drivel), I visited Sainsburys. A foolish mistake shopping sleep deprived, hungry and exhausted. After sobering up off the caffeine this morning I realised that fish fingers, cordial, coffee, hand soap and three different types of pasta really was pathetic and maybe my cave man state of mind was merely another victim to consumer psychology and sales. The fact I left my card in the chip in pin machine I won't put

down to exhaustion just stupidity.

However thank you very much to the very nice human being who phoned the bank to declare my bank card lost yesterday, either your a genuinely nice fella . Or your just a fraudster who viewed my balance and decided it wasn't worth the effort.

Being cardless I was forced to que in the bank for cash, sadly after consuming most the cordial the call of nature came just 5 minutes into the queue subjecting me to a Full Monty dance. After 15 minutes of queuing I was now performing the River Dance.
When it was my turn I was asked to provide the cashier with my driving licence for ID. I though for Natwest this transaction was going rather smoothly, I signed the sheet in a sorted makeshift squiggle after the pen was indeed taller than the cord it was attached to and waited for my cash. Suddenly in one fowl swoop she placed the money back in the till and in a sympathetic voice declared "for security reasons I can't go any further with the transactions as your signature doesn't match your I.D".
Fairpoint I thought .... but just a moment I suggested. Surely I'm a very similar match the photograph of me on the right hand side of my driving Licence, I ruffled my hair and smiled just to match the 16 year old me on the card. At this point she seemed a little confused and went away to her line manager. I'm praying the question she asked wasn't "this guy looks the same as his i.d, can we trust him?" I like to think I don't look that shifty! never the less common sense prevailed and I walked away with my cash.

Anywho I must dash theres a stranger scavenging in our front garden! I just poped my head out the door to see what he was doing, and he though there was a scrap metal pipe next to our window. Sadly I had to tell him that was indeed the gutter attached to the house. However next time he fancies trespassing try the back garden theres plenty of crap out there we need shifting!

Words starting with S and E

The metro this morning brought good news today to the over crowded 08:12 train to Canon Street.

Firstly car insurance companies will be charging women almost the same premium as men under Equality laws backed by the EU! maybe saving me over £3,000 over a ten years. Well horar! While women may have to pay almost £9,000. We all saw it coming ladies!

A little true fact . . .

While on average men make more insurance claims than ladies. Female Drivers have more accidents .. they are just minor so don't claim for them! With all that mascara and cover up in their bags they could buff up a LandRover! (Thats not sexist men could equally jump start one with the gadgets in their bag!)

Secondly Orange are bringing their call centres back to the UK. After explaining to some nice fella at work yesterday, I wasn't making up a post code I gave him and 20 minutes later he figured out he needed to put a space in it, and then magically revealed he had it on file any way! that was 20 minutes spent with me trying to think of words starting with S&E, and its true what Michael Mcintyre says you can only think of rude words, if any! strangely I could only think of Execution and Suicide

It may sometimes make my job easier, although I will miss their impecable manors and politeness, I don't know if the 18 year old CSA from the UK, who staggered in at 7Am after 300 WKDS will have the same alertness and drive.

A tiny Bit excited

I'm just sitting at work at the moment, the mornings been exciting with new hopefuls candidates replacing the many workers we have leaving. Its true that trying to make a job like working in a phone shop sound exciting but so far they have all entered with a big grin excited and willing. I've noticed my manager has looked for certain key aspects in the candidates 1) They are all female 2) they are all good looking. So far they have all had the right .. lets say assets.
After they leave the manager and I discuss the pros and cons of each candidate.

Few cons I found

Question: What preparation have you done for your interview
Answer: I use an Orange phone

Question: What challenges do you think you will find difficult working in a store
Answer: Selling

last but not least; after the girl turned up 20 mins late,


Question: what do you think you achieve well
Answer; punctuality

Should I really advertise

I've just seen this wonderful idea from blogger you can advertise on your blog. Should I fall short of what I believe in! we get advertised to all day and all night. I spend 12 hours a week trying to sell people rubbish they don't want! Maybe this space of cultural commons is rather nice should I really ruin it with adverts for loans! Lets face it even if I start now maybe the profits will buy me a pint in the summer . . its worth thinking about

I started work at 8 today which was lovely as the shop was closed for an hour till 9 so no customers. The bliss was quickly gone after HRH Manager of Greenwich minced in. After Imrans cleaning squad failed miserable to clean anything on the cleaning day, (they failed even worse lying about cleaning!) as punishment while the boss put his feet up, Imran ran wildly round like a headless chicken with a 22 page cleaning list without a clue in the world. Naturally I would be furious for being called in 4 hours early and having to clean etc etc but Imran ordered everyone Dominos pizza so don't fear Imran I'm right behind you on this one buddy. Things were going well till for security reasons The almighty wanted to change the door code ... forgetting Imran was on the other side of the door completely ignorant of any changes, it made for some good CCTV view for 5/10 minutes. Till karma got the best of us as we all forgot the altered code and spend the rest of the day locking ourself out. Gladly I had a wonderful idea and printed the door code in big letters and stuck it around the back office (yes it went down like a tonne of bricks)

Virgin, Virgin, Virgin

After a fascinating lecture on memorials Friday afternoon I rushed back home via Tesco picking up some big juicy lamb shanks. Knowing that my guest was on the train just 6 MINUTES behind, I cracked a sweat picking up dirty washing, bringing down cups etc etc all the things your parents told you to do on a daily basis but you have failed to do when living alone!
(parents advice 1 - me 0).
Knowing I had seconds I quickly threw the lamb mint wine etc etc all on a hot pan hoping the smell and aroma of the meat would mask the now rancid smell oozing from the kitchen fridge. Just as I rushed to get the last of the pants off the floor the door went.... Apparently Ladies don't appreciate hearing "bugger bugger she's here!!" being shouting while dashing to the apparently not very sound proof door!

While we waited the 3 hours for the meat to slowly cook, I took her outside to burn the Christmas tree (romantic). I never knew that Christmas trees smoked so much but the smoke that bellowed from it almost put Icelands Volcano to shame!

Saturday was time for a bit of arty farty culture as we went to the Natural History Museum to see the Wildlife Photography Competition and the not so cultural "Sexual Nature" exhibit. After all that excitement we dodged and dived the corridors of lost camera wielding tourists and finally navigated our way out of the NHM and into the V and A for a bit of Renaissance art (I wasn't really that interested in the art I just seem to remember reading somewhere there was some nice cake in the V&A). I don't know if this effects any one else but Museums suck all the energy out of me, so we dashed home!

Not one to turn down free food we decided tonight was the night to use the free Nandos voucher I obtained from a previous bad visit to Nandos. I offered to collected it from the store (thinking it was only down the road). This was a great idea until 1)They told us it would be ready in 10 minutes, 2)It was almost 2 miles down the road! when I returned with the dry burnt grilled chicken the tiny portioned side dishes all not very nice, we decided to rent the A team to cheers us up! what a stupid mistake! of course we couldn't rely on Virgin to manage a whole film! as a result I spent an hour achieving nothing :(

Up in the Clouds

Morning!

Its got to be a quick one this morning as the Cloud Free WIFI has now decided its only going to allow us mere mortals just 15 minutes of free WIFI time. To be honest I agree with this move! Firstly who needs 24 hours of unlimited free wifi! it will only encourage us to delve deeper into the mists of a virtual society run by Facebook. Some may argue that we are reliant on the internet and its become an essential part of life, In part I agree. But it has come to the point where Starbucks is now illuminated by the glow of bright white half eaten Apples, while the users are all supporting a Grande double shot x hot, dry Latte and a unread copy of the complete works of Shakespeare all hoping the glow of their Apple logo will lure Females to them, ever hoping that one day a girl will be turned on by the latest version of Final Cut Pro (which really they don't understand how to use).

On the subject of females and internet, I don't know if any one googled Amber Heard during Top Gear last night (Sunday 20th Feb) I certainly did and it would appear evident that almost every male and lesbien did as google stream went crazy with millions of us on Google Images looking for pictures of this new found unknown gun wielding, hot pant wearing bisexual petrol head! I didn't think Jeremy Clarkson could handle that sort of excitement at his great age.

Well my 15 minutes are nearly up, stupidly I also didn't charge my laptop last night, So I've now got a nice shiny brick to carry around for the rest of the day!

I wonder how fraudsters get it so easy

I've never attempted to dip into the pool of fraudsters liars and cheats, but after this evenings little white lie to get hold of a friends postcode (I left at home on my satnav). It would appear I don't have the brains for fraud let alone the mentality!
Although in my mind at work I'm Gene Hunt when handed I.D for a contract by a customer, I like to sieve through the Identifying documents with with a fine tooth cone as finding a fraudster in our midst might well just make my day more interesting than counting the 52 ceiling tiles in our stoor.

any who

The plan was easy; explain to her that I'd got some postcodes written down and I wanted to send some Female/Female Jack plugs to a friend back home (in the CM postcode) but I had got their post codes mixed up and if I could have hers just to clarify, that would be great.
What on earth could go wrong. . . . Well I had forgot this girl was working for a cabling company she naturally pointed out to me in quite some research detail that Jack was female and plug was male . . . so there was no such thing as a Jack Plug and went on to prove her point. Wow plan failed miserably! All I wanted to do was send her a card! How people get credit card details is beyond me!

Back on Track

Firstly excuse the lack of blogging lately, despite the lack in blogging, I must point out that I have exceeded the national average for blogging as a whopping 7 out of 10 blogs only last 1 week! so yes, this morning has a sense of achievement that goes with it.

Its a great shame I can't say the same for Orange. Despite having a weekend off (first in a while) I returned to the Hague trial on Tuesday and was immediately marched into the Office for my first interrogation. I believe the management team has adopted roles of good cop bad cop, for their interrogation technique while Imran (deputy Manager) sits in the big swirly chair slapping a bit of paper around firing off dates in my direction, the manager sits on a small chair some distance away in a dark corner. The meeting begins

"it appears that stapling has become an issue"! I've got three bits of paper here all not stapled"! said Imran
For some reason unbeknown to me I took the paper and examined it, sure it enough it wasn't stapled! This was very peculiar as only a few weeks ago, I was called in for using 3 staples instead of the universally excepted one neat staple at the 45 degree angle in the corner.

In other news, all is well on the home front, I've accepted more of a long term diet plan, which means I can eat more and just lose weight a little slower but thats not to much of an issue as apparently its not getting hot till slightly later in the year due to climate change, so I will be able to hide the unlost fat under baggy jumpers for a little while longer.

No need to get Arsy!

"life's a game boy, a game that must be played by the rules" I'm aware that J.D Salanger wrote this in one the opening paragraphs of the Catcher in the Rye. However I think my manager may be living and dying by this quote. I wouldn't mind his eternal moaning, bitching while enforcing any rule down to the letter, including ones his made up such as really silly ones about leaving shoes and not being able to buy booze on the work Christmas Do (in January). Surely there is a way out of this, maybe leaving whistleblwing links to HR open on most computer screens will send some sort of hint on the morale of the staff

Theres no point in crying over spilt Milk!

They say a problem shared is a problem halved, so does this give me permission to stand up in Starbucks and shout my problem at the mothers meeting who have clearly disregarded their children letting them run wild screaming?, All I wanted was a quiet stress free £1 coffee to get some work done! This is my problem, on top of the normal banging, steaming and shouting from the baristas the crescendo from the children make it unbearable. So please tell me if I do stand up and scream my problem at all 5 mothers, will this half my problem as I've been so wisely informed from our TV doctors?

Rail Stations

Firstly I revoke what ever I said about National Rail1! I shall not rant and rave as most the nation has the same opinion on them and its now old new, The UK has accustomed itself to a bad rail network! (yet we do still like a good moan).

Secondly I am very pleased of acquiring the mints, Turned out that I do really like polos after nervously emptying the entire packet into my mouth, (they don't count in the diet as there is a big hole in the middle!). I feel that my new years resolutions hopefully won't have to be in a stated order after all!

have just arrived back at station to go to this evenings shindig, Despite further delays in National Rail Services I remain ever optimistic a good night will be had. I've made a pledge to myself that I am going to avoid the following phrases:

a) I've got to admit
b) any sentence followed by a polyphonic hmmm

The rest of this train journy will be spend deciding about the drinking arrangements for this evening, as I have only consumed 3/4s of a packet of very empty small crisps I feel that I've saved a few calories for a pint, yet the moral high ground will be with me if I can remain sobre for the week!

We shall see where the will power takes us!

Good Day v Bad Day

Its been a mixed day today, even I can't decided if I'm in a good or bad mood day today, I had the first bit of saturated fat in weeks from weatherspoons while meeting a friend for breakfast, which was lovely, then immediately had a microphone shoved in my face during the radio journalism class which shared with King George VI is one of my greatest hates! (The Kings Speech is excellent if you want to know more about King George and microphones) followed by feeling of fatness from breakfast and rolling myself down the hill to the bank to pay the months rent! Then capped off the day was a joke and laugh, which although hugely inappropriate for an editorial meeting was enough to put me in a good mood once again!

Back at the big yellow house a debate had broken about class snobbery and Heat magazine after a house mate blogged downgrading remarks about Heat magazine. For once in my life I decided to keep my mouth shut and my opinions close to my chest! That said I did try and research the demographical range Heat Magazine aims at to see if it would support either side of the argument, however I got distracted by some breasts on the front page and an interesting article about why all men are idiots further into the publication, so I have returned to my natural state and decided to have a yogurt instead.

The Futures not bright, The future defiantly isn't Orange

For a part time job I work in Retail (for Orange). This is my first retail job and I think I've picked up a few points

a) The only progression you can make in a retail career is a greater hatred for the general public
b) If you have a room filled with blind monkeys they would be more helpful than customer services.
c) you can smile and call a customer Sir all you like, he will still think your a muppet (and treat you in such a manor)

This short introduction was only to forward the point of todays Vision Express experience. The Lady who served me was lovely, very happy and pleasant as was her work experience girl, Who looked like she'd possibly being playing Apple Bobbing in a bowl of bronzer this morning. However what they don't teach you in optician school is how to lie!

At the work station infront of me I had three glasses priced at £80,£120,£190 all very nice. Naturally she recommended the most expensive, and forced them to me, disregarding all other frames like they were lesser humans of the scum variety. As I placed them on my face, she sat back and pulled a face indicating I might have just smeared poo all over my face, or I had volcanoes of seeping warts appear. followed by "Wow they really suit you, you should totally go for them" . At this stage I had come to the conclusion I could have Cameron Diaz sit on my face and she still would of gone for the ridiculously expensive glasses.

Still at least I could rely on her non biased opinion when picking the lens, oh wait her computer told her I must get and seriously need the £300 top of the range lens.
I'd like to say work experience girl was more helpful, but under all that make up she had the best poker face in the world!

Fast food, Slow internet

I can't imaging ever buying a ferrari (I'm a student) and finding out that its got the same engine as a Ford Fiesta and comes with a pile of bricks in the boot for most of the day .. that is until I experienced the full power of Virgin Media Data Capping regulations. I won't rant I've just added a copy of their "traffic management scheme" below and may start a full blown riot in the morning, what do you say get all the students together again for one last protest ?

http://shop.virginmedia.com/help/traffic-management/traffic-management-policy.html

Had a lovely time shopping with Jasmin in London, a true fashion guru! apart from being taken round some shops with sizes that would only fit my cousins 3 year old! Something tells me their skinny skinny jeans wouldn't fit on one of my arms, let alone my legs. I think some one stole all the Paul Smith T-shirts of Barbie and Ken! On saying that I did end up with a rather nice shirt, it reminds me of my Nans tablecloth, its a white shirt as well so i think much like the table cloth it will end up with red wine and plum sauce down it!

Talking of Plum sauce we ordered the most guilty pleasurable chinese in the world (I will run marathon tomorrow to shred the added weight) washed down with a glorious bottle of red wine, with cats and Dogs 2 for entertainment (till virgin Media Put the breaks one the internet!)

Work Parties, Chicken and Car Crashes!

New Years Resolution

1) Loose weight
2) Gain Confidence
3) Find Love

These were my resolutions put in place a few days ago, Through trial and error it has emerged that it isn't possible to drink past stage one straight onto stage 2! As a long term plan it just isn't a good idea!

Secondly with new found confidence after copious amounts of beer and a free shot of sambuca and tequila, its not a good idea to play the lead role in a RTA outside your house!. As far as my qualifications take me I'm neither a police officer nor a mechanic or a community support officer. On reflection maybe some of my advice given to the devastated neighbour explaining the damage to his now written off car could be just be polished out wasn't the best advice I could give. Maybe he would of preferred a nice cup of tea.

After a rather strong coffee this morning and some much needed detail from the house mates, the troubles all started the moment walked into Nandos. The over crowded chicken selling hell! I accept that its a very popular place to eat, but just how hard do you have to make eating chicken!

Standard practice in restaurants has been working well for 1000s of years, you come in, sit down, order, have food placed in front of you, pay and leave . . .. this is it! how simple!
So why does Nandos feel the need to challenge you to the assault course of stray children, chairs and buggies to get to the till, create some sort of fantasy meal from microwaved side dishes, sauces and breads! Then just as you think you can sit down for a chat you have to take the empty glasses back through the assault couse to the table to distribute glasses so you can all re do the assault course to pick up cutlery, drinks, sauces etc etc then some how get back with out spilling anything! Then just as you think the hellish ordeal is over they bugger up your meal no end, and trying to get to the end of what sauce, went where with what dish and what chips is degree level hell!
I believe this lead us to peruse slightly better bars and so it begun!

Still thank you very much to Orange for the lovely meal out.

What a Day!

Its not often I smile from one side of my face to other. But today I have!

After a lot of train journeys and a lot of running around, the people I've seen today reminded what true happiness really is (I'm aware I've missed a few out). I've drank enough coffee to keep a small army going and walk for miles and miles. Its now been over 15 hours since I set out this morning and I'm still laughing (maybe something to do with the caffeine!).

I've had to turn a blind eye to the rather amazing steak and kidney pie and chips, but as my Great Aunt once said "don't be sensible because its boring" this was also true washing it down with a few pints of beer. I did feel the beer had more effect than normal when I saw a collie collecting beer mats off tables and placing them on the bar. But after confirming with the bar guy, there really is a bar trained dog who collects beer mats! who knew?

New Tricks

They say you can't teach an old new tricks, from today I disagree! National Rail run perfectly on time, and apparently today was the right type of rain to cause no delays! secondly after arriving in Harlow Town Famed for having an alarmingly hight teenage pregnancy rate I walked past 2 used condoms and 1 empty one (bad luck who ever the owner is) and a empty pack of contraceptive pills!

When Murphy's law strikes

I've always been a great believer in karma, this morning it struck with full force! the one day I decided to get my gortex water proof jacket cleaned, It absolutely chucks it down. I guess its god's way of punishing me for the banana and chocolate pancake I knocked up half way through the A team last night (yes it was absolutely heavenly), and in my defence all ingredients had to be used; I hate wastage! I thank Raz for the loan of her banana.

Still, It forced me to run the distance from London Bridge to the little Pret in Aldgate to meet Auntie, so I guess me and the big man are even now.

With Karma restored I had a lovely lunch with Auntie, with only a few wasted calories from the 2 packets of crisps, 1 bag of sweet potato the other roasted root vegetables, after a critical trial we came to a joint conclusion the sweet potato crisps were tasteless and were like chewing cheap brittle plastic.

Lunch over and procrastinating ended I started work on my Holocaust work due in for next week! after 30 minutes I noticed that some jewish men in traditional dress had sat within viewing distance of my literature so decided it was time to finally write some thank you cards before it was too late!

Its rather amazing how times flies as some one I am very much looking forward to meeting contacted reminding me about our plans and I agreed on a time leaving a window of just 7 minutes to get to my train, Like Jason Born I dashed through the station, (just without the guns and baddies, also having to stop for my young persons ticket, looking like a drowned like a rat)

have reached train and must remember to pick up some mints to chew to counter the horrible crisps. Luckily for me a french family have managed to sit next to me cramming me into a tiny corner with their baggage on my leg and have placed their screaming child next to me. Still I can smile knowing that I've been charged more for this journey than last year with hope that by 2015 it will be margining nicer.

and yes, women in the overcoat I can see you reading over my shoulder; my blog is available online if you wish to read on as I am closely approaching my station,


James

Plum Sauce Drama

My Gosh! Just a quickie!

I have just found discovered you can buy a pot of plum sauce from the take away. This cheered me up no end after finding out apparently washing grows in size after its been laundered! so no longer fits in your bag and gets wet in the rain

Evening meal is a bit 50/50 healthy dieting

a bed of wilted spinach topped with grilled duck and mushrooms and noodles; not bad not bad

Cafe day

Last task to my new year clean up; washing!

Sadly in our house full of broken white appliances the washing machine was the first to crack under the pressure of 4 girls and 2 guys needing a constant fix of clean underwear. It was time to clean everything firstly because the washing pile was now more of an island that Ernest Shackleton would be proud of exploring, and secondly... I'll leave the secondly with intent of preserving dignity.

I've only been to the Launderette a few times but I still find it a strange place, one of the few places in the world you can have all your undies on display and no one blinks an eye. more so it seems to create meaningless philosophical conversation generally generated by some quote from a Page 3 model in the Sun. So I drop off a bag with hope that in 4/5 hours to return to a bag brimming with paired socks, smelling more socially acceptable than before.

With Regret this means I do have quite a bit of time to kill, so decided with some companions to investigate the newly opened Hope and Faith cafe (Hither Green), opened by a family in memorial of their son who was sadly stabbed in the local area.

When we arrived the barrista was busy enthusiastically bashing a jug of steamed milk on any hard surface, I've seen this done in many coffee shops, I don't quiet understand the purpose despite working for Starbucks for a year, I've never grasped what all this bashing is about? any clues?

We are now on day 2 of the diet and as expected its to have a few teething problems, this came in the form of the daily changing menu Hope and Faith provide today was bacon sandwich day!!! Like a Siren to a sailor I fell into the fateful trapped and ordered one full of mayonaise as the great Nigella says "if your going to get wet you might as well go swimming" I must point out it wasn't my fault also that they didn't serve black coffee and they only had full fat milk for a cappuccino. (I have a theory as there is more air in the milk its healthier). luckily a girl I am very much attracted to text me reminding of plans to meet for dinner next week reminded me of why of the purpose to this diet and I was drawn away from many of the other pastries and cakes and concluded with Green Tea.

Stil time to collect the washing and go feast on garden plants!

Blinkered like a horse past the fat

With the idea that if Jamie Oliver can knock up half decent healthy meals and conquer childhood obesity from there, Sainsbury's seemed like a good place to start.

Shopping normally consists of shovelling what ever takes your fancy in the trolly (It does if your a student with no family, no meal plan, and anything goes). The 2011 shop was very different. The cake aisle was closed armed with a mirage of myself hovering above the custard filled donuts; Fat and alone with an industrial sized box of snickers.

This proved more than enough to hurry back to the fruit and vegetables.

Shop complete I was armed with a shop good enough to make Gillian Mackieth faint! (for real this time). Armed with the Ammunition I need, I was ready to create calorie controlled hell in the Kitchen!

A New Year

While I'm aware that its currently the 5th of January, I decided that there was absolutely no point in starting a fresh until the old was completely out the way. Sadly due to the purchase of a new 40" telly this has taken more time that I previously expected. Never the less, I feel the stage is now set to start a new fresh new start.

Unlike much of the UK, I've taken rather seriously to my New Years resolutions. Which I've planned in a cascading domino effect, with hope that one action may lead to another.

so in order

1) Lose weight

2) Gain Confidence

3) Find love

While you and I may see this as a standard NYR (New Years resolution), There are a few hurdles that will need to be over come before any of this will take effect. A sort of Sub NYR if you please. these consist of: Conquering love and passion for; a)Bacon Sandwiches b) Cake c) Finger Food

Of course not eating these will help hugely in the weight loss department, but also I assume that stuffing my normally intoxicated mouth with greasy cocktail sausages will help massively with attracting a self respecting ladies.

so from the bottom of my heart welcome to the start of rabbit food hell.